You know this comes up all the time, so I have decided to address it right here on Blindfolded. I struggle with this topic because we all know that I am not married, but I have had mostly guy friends my entire life. This was never a problem because luckily, over time, all of them have had very nice girlfriends and my friendships with them have never been an issue.
As I move beyond my close-knit group of friends, however, my friendships with men have become increasingly complicated. And when they go on to get married...forget about it. It becomes nearly impossible to remain friends. I can't quite figure out why this is the case. I've never been the cheating type. Sure there was one instance in college where I may have had a slip up, but that wasn't even a big deal. It's not like we slept together. Minus that one instance, I am of the impression that I'm a pretty stand-up person. I'm extremely open and honest with just about everyone I meet and I would think that that would mean that I am a trustworthy individual.
Why is it then that these wives, fiances, mothers of wives even...seem to have such a problem with me? I'm not going to get specific with these instances, but are people really this uptight and insecure about their relationships that they need to worry about their husband or boyfriend or even guy that their dating's friends..who happen to be girls...for fear that they will what? Hook up with them? Sleep with them? My god. If you have these types of concerns when you're married (and I can make blanket statements like this because I'm not married) I'm thinking that's not a good thing.
Now I know there are certain reasons to feel insecure or what have you. I would think that the majority of the time this is because maybe the girl/woman doesn't know me very well and just has the wrong impression. But I have been reminded of the fact that it's 'not normal' for married men to hang out with women other than their wives...without their wives. And even vice versa. A married/engaged woman apparently should not hang out with a guy by herself...without her significant other. I don't see why not and I want to know what the reason for this is.
Are people assuming that men cannot bring themselves to think about anything besides sex while being in the same vicinity as someone of the opposite sex? If that is the case, that's just dumb and I would find that hard to believe.
I want answers and I want good answers. Thank you for reading.
G'night.
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Hmmm... I will not comment on that "one" time b/c then it blows your whole blog. Does everyone get one "gimme?" Now, put yourself in the wife/girlfriend/SO place. Do they also get a "gimme" "one" time? What if it were with your husband/boyfriend/SO? Does that change your thinking. Enough about that. If you have been friends with the opposite sex for so long, the wives et al should have nothing to worry about; however, their spouse (i.e. SO) should also make it clear during the dating phase that these are his friends, he loves them all equally, men and women alike, and if you are going to marry me, you will need to accept them all (if, of course, they are all good people, which in your case, is true). For new people in the life, the same rules DO NOT APPLY only because their SO does NOT know you. You need to meet them on more than one occasion, preferably in a group setting and then they will see what a lovely person you are. My one caveat, they (the new married person in your life) will NEVER be allowed to go to dinner, out, whatever, by themselves if they are the opposite sex of you. Just won't happen and it is not b/c of insecurities for the most part. A successful couple is only successful when one wants to go out with their partner even when that partner wants to make plans with a co-worker who happens to be of the opposite sex. The married "woman" should just go along and have a good time with you. My opinion of course and I can't wait to see what Saul says.
ReplyDeleteI’ve seen this happen firsthand. I’ve been automatically shunned by someone just for not knowing who I am and jumping to conclusions. Newsflash honey, I DON’T want to sleep with your husband.
ReplyDeleteThe one thing I wonder is how much it’s a lack of trust in your significant other, whether it’s a boyfriend, fiancé or husband. For me, issues in the past arose from girls I did not know “throwing” themselves at my then-boyfriend. And to find out about that later, well, sucked. I DID trust him (until I found out that was stupid) but I still didn’t like hearing that he had to push some girl away. Until he didn’t push a girl away, but that is neither here nor there.
I think everyone has enough insecurities to make them at least a little curious. Agreeing with Blogoholic here, why is the man’s girlfriend/fiancé/wife not also coming along? Is it a scheduling issue? Does she not care to meet you? This is something the guy in the situation needs to figure out. If said woman doesn’t want her husband hanging out with other girls then she should be coming along to meet you and hang out as well. For all she knows, the two of you could totally hit it off and become better friends than you were with her husband. If she is unwilling to do this, and he is unwilling to ask her to try to get to know you, then this is an issue in their relationship and has NOTHING to do with you.
I do not understand why a married or “taken” woman cannot hang out with a guy without her significant other there. I better never in my life have that as a rule. That will not fly. Of course, I will adhere by the same standards I just set forth. I wouldn’t try to hang out with this guy if it made my significant other nervous or caused him to question my fidelity. If he wanted to meet him before I hung out with him one-on-one, that’s great! Plus, I’m generally the type of person to always invite my boyfriend along, because I WANT him to know my friends because both he and my friends are important parts of my life---they should get along.
Now, to play Devil’s advocate. The guy you are trying to hang out with that is married… why are you hanging out one-on-one? Is this a regular occurrence? Because if you regularly meet for drinks after work, there is no reason it can’t be a group thing. Or maybe you are meeting for a meal, again, why? Is there a reason his wife isn’t there? Are YOU sure that she knows he is meeting you? For those who you have known for years, I can assume hanging out without her would never be a problem, mostly because I assume at this point you are very good friends with the girl as well. For people who are new to your life… I still beg the question “why”? I guess I don’t see the real need to be going out to dinner with a taken man… but I’m sure the circumstances arise… I just don’t know what they are.
Personally, I think this needs to be taken situation by situation. If I had become good friends with a married guy I would WANT to meet his wife, and would find a way to make that happen. Not only would I get a new friend out of it, but I would also hope it would make her more comfortable with me getting a drink with her husband after work, or something.
To end, if anything, I would hope that people have enough trust in their significant other, especially at our age where you have a lot of friends who are single still, to be able to hang out with anyone. There’s nothing wrong with asking who and why before they go out (and if it sounds fishy, maybe suggesting they don’t go) but you gotta let people have friends. Frankly, if that guy is gonna cheat on you, he is going to find a way to do it. Either he’s letting you know that he’s hanging out with a girl (probably a good sign) or he’s not. I think people just need to have a little faith…
Great comment, Jess. I appreciate all of your insights as usual. Just for the record, this is not due to any specific situation that I'm in currently. I have met men in jobs or just in life who have been married and then I will leave that job or lose touch and then we will try to make plans to hang out again but due to the 'married' status...it can't happen. Something like that. And I honestly am not sure if their now wife will have a problem with me doing that, or if she is interested in meeting me at all, but I don't see the issue in the first place because we are just friends. I would never disrespect what a marriage entails because I truly do value the idea of marriage and everything that it represents. I think more so than not in my cases, it's the guys not trusting themselves and preferring to not be put in uncomfortable situations. Which, of course, I find to be lame. Great comments!
ReplyDeleteI have to make one last comment. If the guy you knew from work was just a co-worker, then the wife should have no problem. However, if you have ever, even one time, hooked up with this person, all bets are off and the wife will never allow you to be friends. Way to insecure even though SHE MARRIED HIM! This was a very interesting post.
ReplyDeleteWell, I've been married for 4 years and I let my husband hang out with many different female "friends". I have no problems if he hangs out his female friends that he had before he met me or mutual female friends that we have. But there have been so many times over the years that he met new girls either through school or work or hobbies.
ReplyDeleteI fully admit, when he would tell me that he went and hung out with one of them, I would feel strange about it. I mentioned it, and he said there was nothing wrong with it, so I felt I was being irrational and I let it continue. I've met some of them here and there, but there are some I've never met.
I want to let you know that 2 days ago, I found out that he has slept with 6 of these "friends" and now my marriage is turned upside down.
Everyone knows that some people, both men and women, are turned on by that sort of challenge. The challenge of getting something that you can't have.
However, a lot of people, especially women, have good instincts. I met 2 of these women, and both times I noticed something strange right away.
One of them I met along with a bunch of other people that my husband had just met. Right away I got a bad feeling from one, and only one, of the girls. She's one of the 6. I was totally fine with him hanging out with the other ones, but she just gave me a really strange feeling.
A few months ago, we ran into some girl at a video store and I got the same strange feeling from her. I asked who she was and my husband said it was someone he had just met at the gym. I thought nothing of it because it didn't seem like they knew each other well, but I still didn't like her for some reason. It turns out she's one of the 6 too.
Maybe your friends' wives and girlfriends instinctively know about your "slip up". Women are logical thinkers, but we all know that are instincts rarely lie.
I think you need to put yourself in other people's shoes. Think about how you would feel if the love of your life told you he was going out for drinks with a woman you had never met. Or think about your parents: would you find it strange if your father was hanging out alone with other women that your mother had never met; women that he happened to meet through his hobbies or at the gym? Would it be okay if he took off to go watch a movie at some woman's house without your mother? Would you tell your mother to get a grip if she was upset about such a thing? Would you say, "I'm sure she's a nice person, mom. You're so uptight." Would you tell her that her thoughts are dumb?
I think it's disrespectful for a woman to ask a taken man to hang out without first asking to meet his wife/girlfriend. What would you think of a woman who asked your father out for drinks even though she didn't know your mother? Going out for a drink with a co-worker after work is one thing. I don't see a problem with that. Meeting during off time is pushing it, especially if the man's wife has never met you.
In my case, I'm going to want to meet any new woman that comes into my partner's life, and I'm going to trust my instincts.
I hope this gives you some insight on how the people in the picture actually see things. We're not "dumb" or irrational or uptight. There are reasons why we feel the way we feel about new women. Unfortunately, I had to find out the hard way.
Sorry, I meant to say "the OTHER people in the picture".
ReplyDelete