Sounds greedy, right? Or it sounds like an AWESOME Queen song. It turns out I'm referring to none of the above. Shocking, I'm sure. Being that I'm not the greedy type, in the least, it may come as a surprise that I would write a blog like this; however, someone recently said something to me that sparked my interest (or disgust) and I am feeling the need to write about it.
Ever since becoming single, I have had the esteemed pleasure of attempting to date, meet people, be a normal 26 year old woman. To my own displeasure, this has not worked out in a big way (of course there has been some good randomness in there to keep me guessing, but nothing that would lead me away from writing this post). And for what reason?
I have people telling me all the time - Erin!! You're so much fun, so out-going, the life of the party, you love sports, you're sarcastic..blablabla. And then I have the same people telling me that I'm also intimidating, overwhelming, loud as hell and just all together quite the handful for the average male. Well. What is someone who is all of these things to do about this predicament?
You could tone it down a notch. Try playing the semi-reserved card so that you don't send men running scared when they see you out on the dance floor sweating like a fat kid at wrestling camp and playing the air guitar like Slash.
Enter me. How about no. Here's how I see it and I'm not saying this is the end all/be all of dating because I am not a poster child for success here...I am single. But why should I ever change the way I act in public, or in private for that matter, because it makes someone feel threatened, or afraid to approach me. If a guy is that much of a massive 'P' word...chances are it wouldn't have worked out anyway. As long as you're not being blatantly inappropriate (the subtle motor-boat is allowed in my world) then I see no reason to sensor anyone.
And so I ask: Who is right in this situation? Should we all give people a glimpse of what they're going to get if a date is to follow? Or show them the real thing so that by the time they take you home they're not having a heart attack when they see that you've brought rope and duck tape in case things get really wild and crazy? That's a joke..by the way. If you're going to bring rope, don't forget some sort of cloth. That shit burns.
Please share your thoughts. As always, I'm VERY interested.
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It would be nice if we could all just be who we really are at all times and get acceptance for it. But that’s not the way the world works.
ReplyDeleteUnfortunately, society has preconceived notions of what is normal and what is not. I’m not saying this is right. It’s just the way it is. And you, my little friend, ain’t gonna change that.
And this isn’t just about dating. When you go into a business meeting with a new client, you don’t act the way you do when you’re out on the dance floor with your girlfriends, and there is a very good reason for this…there is a time and place where certain behavior is accepted and a time and a place where it scares the shit out of people.
I know I’m always forcing myself to make adjustments when it comes to meeting women. I am rather shy. And as we all know, shy guys who stand in the corner of the club, sipping on pineapple daiquiris, don’t get ass. So, I’m trying to get out there more and have since switched to beer.
My point is, I have to adjust. I don’t like it, but I do it anyway. And if I have to change how I act a little to get what I want, then so be it.
Everybody has to put on a little bit of a front when it comes to dating and such. That’s why first dates are such the fun little joke. We all know it, but we all do it anyway.
So you have two choices, change who you are at the outset of a relationship just a little to be more “normal” and potentially make more headway OR stay true to who you are at all times and accept that you may drive some guys away.
Neither one of these is wrong and neither one of these is right. You just have to decide which way you want to go.
DO NOT CHANGE!!!!! Saul, while I understand your points about toning down personality in a professional setting, I completely disagree with you on changing who you are for acceptance and dating. In the instance on your own hurdles, perhaps online dating would be a less intimidating setting for you to initiate contact. But change who you are in order to attract someone - Why? That is just false advertising!
ReplyDeleteErin, you have a huge group of friends, sustained more than one long-term relationship...enjoy being single now and selfish with your time!!!!
Thanks for the comments everyone! I certainly hear both sides of the story here and had my own thoughts on this post before writing it; however, I did get a good laugh out of both of your comments and look forward to hearing more as I continue to be my crazy self when out on the town...and my just generally funny/witty self when in client meetings :) Thanks for reading!
ReplyDeleteI agree with both Meaghan and Saul. You do not get all sweaty like a fat kid at wrestling camp when you are in a meeting. You keep that sarcastic wit about you though and that is good. You don't have to change anything about yourself; however, you don't have to show a potential date EVERYTHING about yourself on that first meeting/date. You could gradually ease a potential mate (sans rope, duct tape, cloth - jeez louise!) into your fantastic personality. This way, they see that other side that few get to see, the quiet, demure, young and lovely person who lives down the hall from me (and yes, she really does exist!) Give them a glimpse so to speak.
ReplyDeleteErin,
ReplyDeleteYou pose an interesting question when asking who is right? The answer is you!
I've been in this game quite a while. I've had long term relationships and some not so long. I've learned very important lessions from some of these experiences. At times, I think I was working too hard to make the other person happy thus neglecting and compromising my own happiness. Why did I do this? Well maybe we weren't as compatible as I thought and was trying to force it. Maybe I was going beyond the compromise and was doing things with/for the other person that I wanted no part of. Both of the above which led to unhappy times for me. I see you as a selfless person, but I ask you not to forget about yourself. It may sound selfish, but you really have to make yourself happy first.
I think compatibility, balance and communication are vital parts of a relationship. I also think maintaining a sense of individuality is important too. By that I mean you should be able to be who you are without a filter. What can be better than two people who are happy individually, coming together and being even happier as part of a couple? You'll meet someone who enjoys being with you in all settings. Maybe they'll be out there sweating with you or maybe they would be more reserved on the sidelines, but enjoying seeing you have a great time. In either case, no need to change.